Back from Spain...
I didn't want to come back...why is life so unfair?

Wish I had someone who could take care of me for once...I am rather tired of being so independent...

Tired days...
Sometimes I wonder...why go on?
Each day blends in with another and that's it...I can no longer distinguish my dreams from what is real. I almost feel as though dream has taken over my life...

Rachmaninov...the music flows into my ears as I'm once more drawn to the world outside of this world. I don't seem to ever be able to grip reality.

Perhaps I'd be clinically diagnosed as dissociated personality, but I have never been otherwise. I always lived some part in dream world. It is truly a place on its own. I only have to drift into it...no need to even sleep or try hard.

It is a world more natural than the reality I live in. How then is it possible that that is a dream world and the reality is real?
I don't really feel anything in this world...
So I do not live here...
My body goes on, but that is it...and how it drags...
I suppose since my spirit is only half in the real world, my body suffers from it...

I often want to just disappear. Is that possible?