As I listen to the melodies of Brahams piano sonatas, I become completely sentimental.
I am not so jaded and cynical as I seem to sound in these entries I write every so often.

How I used to feel...the music would often hit straight into my heart.
As I walked home at night, I'd listen and dream of things...I'd feel so much that I'd almost cry.
Where did all that emotion go? Why do I not feel anymore?
It is a question...
Is this what it means to face reality?

I feel like I'm trapped inside another person's body. I cry, I shout, I feel...but it is all locked inside. I am no longer anything on the surface. I go through the motions of life, almost like a dummy...the only consolation I find is in my writings, in my art, in my music.

It seems as though life has sucked out all the curiosity, all the desire out of me...
I still go on partly with memories of what I had felt before...and I continue to live the shell of being that I've become.

I can see myself, in my dream, it is me, the one who used to be...the one who I wish to get back.

Is it really possible?

I want to feel again...

Another new day...
I suppose I should be sick of myself by now of my own ramblings. The problem is, when it starts, it never stops.
Fact of life...
I try very hard not to fall into any type of self pity. Life goes on no matter what...
I don't really have any regrets even if I die tomorrow. How many people can honestly say that?

Yet the sense of missing something in my life still continues on...

I suppose everyone lives with their own problems.

I don't know...I just can't think with this endless days of headaches.

I have ceaesd to feel already.

Life continues on...
I missed work yesterday claiming sickness.
I was sick...in my mind...so much so that my body was also affected.
I sat...staring into space. My brain could not conjure up any happy memory. How sad is it that I had to escape into another life...into the world of story or a movie in order to live?

How is it that life has come to thus?

I keep telling myself that it is not so bad...of course it is not, but the feeling of apathy is not something I can ignore. I used to feel so much. I used to dream. Now I only dream in my sleep. Now my life is no longer mine.

Sometimes I wonder how much I'd give up if I could just feel safe and cared for...

I am really tired.