I'm writing again...
even with writer's block.
Well, I guess I often have writer's block. I want to write, but I somehow find myself not knowing what to say.
Perhaps I am not cut out to be a writer...nothing more than a rambling mind.

Yet I feel as though it is my work that is sucking all the creativity and vitality out of me.
I had so much life before...I had interests...
Now when I walk into the house, all I want is to sit and stare at nothing at all.

Can there be a remedy for such sickness?

One must eat, one must survive...so one must work...

After three hours of sleep...is perhaps when I am most true to myself.
I am unable to supress my emotions. I guess I do that a lot when I have enough strength.
Well, perhaps the night is always the exception. When the sun goes down, any of my feelings have fair game over me.

So that is the time when I write, when the muse strikes.
That is the time I dream of escape from this world...

Okay...this is something I ran across among my numerous of files of writing...
Quite interesting. This was me of several years ago. Does it mean I haven't really changed or I've changed too much?

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Okay...I have tried my best...I tried to work. But there's none to be found.
Why?
Because it is sunday at 4:20 pm and people are not suppose to work...Does that mean I belong to non-people category?
Seeing as how I look like one, I can't imagine how that would work.

But I have to bother you again since there are only very small number of people I talk to and most of them don't have e-mail. And the ones that do...they probably won't get much kick out of this one. Since a lot of people doesn't seem to have my sickly sarcastic humor. Or they just don't want to see it. They probably will NOT believe I am sarcastic. I am either labeled "cold blooded" or "too nice". I don't know how anyone can be in such both two extreme categories, but I happen to be in them. I am sort of proud how I can be SO different. Maybe I am hoping for a multiple personality...I tried to divide up myself so well that it is amazing that one end knows what the other end is doing.

I am thinking I have just now discovered a breakthrough in multiple personalit disorder...don't you think so? Their problem is that one end doesn't know what the other end is doing since they've separated parts of themselves so far away from each other.

I think my brain is having a little bit of mal-function due to the cold. Sinus can do wonders for sanity of a human being. I am not really insane, per se...just little off balance. I think most intellectuals are off balance. They just know too much for their own good. Don't you think so? How can anyone get anything straight and balanced with so much stuff in their head?
I should say my head is basically a potpourri of garbage information. Sure there's something to be found there, but it is totally cluttered and mostly unuseful. Yet, I am still aiming to be just THAT. A human being with as much knowledge as possible. It doesn't need to be specialized knowledge...just any knowledge in general.

So far I have yet to find a subject that does not really pique my interest (unless it's something I already know...or it involves physical activity. That doesn't count as a SUBJECT...that is an ACTIVITY).

But let us not be sarcastic today. We can talk about beauty of this world. Like the sunset I see through the gigantic window in my office...I know that such things still hold meaning. Those swirl of red purple, orange, pink...and all other unnameable colors... I don't think most human beings really know what they are feeling...or if they are feeling at all.
I don't know if people feel at all...the way they talk about things...but I also wonder...

I mean, how can anyone not feel the warmth spreading through themselves when they watch something as beautiful as sunset? How can they not appreciate it? Can they really shrug off their feelings about nature? each other?
But they seem to do it. It is just amazing.

I have not met too many people who actually stop to take a second look at sunset or admire a view...
Why don't people feel?
Or do they feel it but can't help suppressing it?
I often feel that letting others know how I feel about certain things make me feel exposed. I'd rather write those things in my little diary or something than talk about it. Is that what people do? They keep to themselves...And finally there's no more space within themselves...so they just lose it.

I don't know what happens. All I can do is wonder...since no one likes to talk about these things. They don't really care. I am wondering if they'd be willing to share their feelings with me if I paid them...or if they paid me.

This world is after all, materialistic world. I, myself, am materialistic. I like fine food, large selection of music and books, and living in a nice area. I can't do without certain standard of living. So, what makes me think others don't want the same?
And if they are materialistic, I suppose there's nothing that would stop them from thinking that everything really is for sale.

I am thinking of putting up an ad:
How does this sound?

For Sale:
All sorts of feelings.
One person with too much feelings trying to sell off excess.
Those in need to experience vicarious feelings...please contact me.
Price negotiable.
Time negotiable.
If you wish to experience...this is the chance.

Do you think it will sell?
I am thinking it will...Most people seem to be lacking one...
I could make a business out of it.

Well, it is quarter to 5pm...Sun has set already. It is getting dimmer and dimmer outside.
Why don't people like nights? It is the finest part of the day.

If nothing else, we feel more acutely, away from the hiding rays of
sunlight and shielding eyes of people around us.

Sally...singning off for now...

I have lost desire...Nothing gives me pleasure that used to make me happy.

I feel nothing, I smell nothing, I see nothing.
There is no taste or feelings in my life...except that of an irritation.
I am only irritated by all and that is one emotion I've come to know well lately.

Even my dreams are only troubling.
I wake up in the morning feeling disturbed.