Addiction to all things dark...

I've got an addiction it seems. Lately, all my music have become dark wave/goth. I've got yards and yards of dark fabric for my period costumes, capes and possibly a gothy dress.

I've been into it before, but strangely I seem to keep getting pulled in.
Something about darkness is seductive. Perhaps this has got to do with my love for the night. Perhaps...
I can't honestly think this is a bad thing. I just like dark things.

Darkness...

It is not that I like all aspects of the representation of this culture. I don't like tatoos. I detest taking hallucinagines or drugs. I don't like pain nor some other type of self-torture.

It is simply that I like dark...the passion, the seduction, the absence of light...

Living on few hours of sleep over the weekend...

One's whole perspective on life changes when one has very little sleep.
I am getting a whole new perspective on life...
I could aptly describe right at this moment as someone who has lost desire for everything.

Life seems sort of blank.

Well, maybe it IS blank...

Past life regression

I never thought I'd get into it. I kept thinking about it. I kept coming back to the topic, but I never thought I'd actually be able to face it.
But I did.
With so many changes in my life, I thought I'd face my nagging desire to explore this area and either be done with it or perhaps fall into the lure of it.

The funny thing is, I am still not sure. How can one be fure of anything? That is a perplexing issue.
I thought I saw my past life or whatever my subconscious was trying to tell me. I almost thing I was sleeping, but I was not. I was feeling everything around me...a very strange experience.
53 B.C. in Ravenna.
I was alone.
Why is it that I am always alone? I always seem to be different from others.
And that old woman...so decayed/dead, so macabre...that I was startled awake from my trace-like state.
I should not have gone back...
I died. Strangely, it was all peaceful. I relished my death...so young and I think I was rather beautiful.
Strange how I never think I'll ever kill myself, yet in my other life, perhaps, I did indeed do that.
Maybe that is why I have no desire to commit a suicide.

It seems ages ago since I last wrote.
So many things have changed.
My life will be drastically changed starting May.
I am quitting my job and going back to school...to Seattle no less. It will be strange to be living in a totally different place. I am actually so looking forward to it.

Of course, there's the trips I am taking before my move.
Finally, I will be in Egypt...imagine that! I don't care about people asking wouldn't it be dangerous? Actually I am sure up to certain point, it is...but that is true for any place on this earth. I mean I would have been in danger if I were to be in Spain during the train attack or NY during the building fell down...or in Korea where's there's always threat of war.
I just had to see my dream country before it becomes impossible for me to travel...
I suppose I will still run away to places, but it will become more difficult.

Once again my writing has temporarily halted...just only for few days. I've been busy experimenting with my sewing machine. What wonders little thing can do within short amount of time. I don't think I can whip out skirts like I had last few days if I were to hand sew. I am always an advocate of hand sewing since I am better at that, but machines have its advantages. I believe I made about 4-5 cool dance skirts within period of only few days...and less number of hours.

Unfortunately I am tired again today..something about running around all day friday interviewing and equally running around on Sat and Sun has done wonders to my body.
I suppose I am no longer a young chicken.

Go figure...

Must get back to writing.

So I find out that I can be exceptionally emotional. I had almost thought me incapable...
Just reading my last blogger, I was asking myself what the heck I was thinking? Who knows...I even wonder if the irritation was directed at one person. I suppose I have seen so many same type of people that my irritation was directed them all since no matter how hard i try to ignore, I sort of sense what they truly want behind their certain words. It is not good. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant and normal sometimes. It's hard to ignore too since when I do ignore such events, it later happens to be true...whatever I assume about people has been seldom wrong. It's a curse...

Lately, things have been little worse than normal, perhaps because I am no longer able to live in a little safety net in real life. So my true emotional side comes out.

I suppose it doesn't help that I happened to have attended two funerals in the matter of few weeks.
I always think I am totally not affected by any of that, but I realize that is not the case.
There is something very affecting about funerals...death of someone...even if it is someone you don't really know that well. I can't imagine how the person who actually is affected would feel.
One such service I went, I felt for sure, the diseased was still near us, sort of looking, perhaps all the issues have not been resolved?
In another, I knew for sure that person had moved on. I think I would prefer it if the person had moved on...like my grand mother's funeral where I knew for sure, she had moved on and perhaps enjoyinig or whatever it is that is after...
The funeral I attended several weeks back was high impact since I almost felt a presence.
Of course, this is surely all my stupid imagination...yet why feel that at some funerals and some not?
I have no clue.

Okay...I can be very sarcastic and mean...

Sunday...sometime between 11 and 12 a.m.
actually my computer clock is saying 11:25 a.m. Well, I suppose when I end this blog, it will tell time. Maybe it will be a good measure of how fast I type and how fast I think and how much I can say within whatever frame of time I am writing this one.

It is strange...I am not sure if anyone is able to comment on another's blog or not, but I suppose when one does publish something on the internet, one should expect some sort of feedback. Good, bad...whatever it might be. I like comments...

Strangely, all in one day, two people commented that they read my blogger...
Two very different reactions.
One person said he/she'd love to talk about something.
Another tried to give some advice or another because he/she assumed that I needed it solely based on this blogger and maybe few meaningless conversations...do I need one? do you think I do?
If I needed advice on my life, I'd probably turn to those who know more about me...

One thing people don't seem to realize is that this blog is written in most auspicious moments. If I had wanted to record the general day to day event, I probably would not have started this blogger. What fun is in that? It would most likely say something like...got up at 7 a.m., took shower, went to work, was sleepy, worked on something or another, went to lunch, worked more, went to dance class or spanish class, came home, read, studied something or another, watched tv, dinner somewhere in between and TV somewhere around there.

That would absolutely bore me, but people seem to think that is what blogger is about.

I don't agree...

I write to blogger when I feel the most...which I suppose isn't all the time, but neither is that boring...but little caveat...it should not be taken as though that is what I feel all the time. I suppose most people would understand this and would get little more insight into specific points of my life. Yet I know there are some out there who get this notion that this is me of all the time.

It is like a psychologist I saw once. I went to give myself a mental check up...and of course, their job is supposed to be listening to my most horrible moments of life, not the best ones since those are what we talk about best...Instead of taking that with grain of salt, they consult their little psychology book and assumes, oh dear, this person has a serious problem.

Funny thing is, the person who's really likely to commit suicide or die out depression will not willingly walk into the office of psychologists and talk about their bad problems.

So, where is all this talk leading to? Well, I thought it is time to let the world know that this is insight into me, but something that should be taken in with a context. Just reading this blogger shouldn't necessarily make you feel as though you can analyze me based on it.

And why do I mention this? Because currently I am rather annoyed by that someone who has read my blogger and thought conveniently that they could analyze me based on this...and was arrogant to give me some advice.

If I were a psychologist, and I read my own blogger, I would say this person is rather too emotional and perhaps slightly over sensitive, have tendency to over-react, unsure...perhaps not self-confident...the list goes on.
That is of course true of any being...certain points of their life. I accept it gladly. I am all that given the chance. Yet I am also not all that at the same time.

What annoys me most are people who think somehow they have some secret insight into me, whch they don't, based on this blogger. If you want to have an insight, maybe you should strike up a conversation. I'm very open, yet not really. It would take years to be able to get close and communicate to another person, yet few conversations and a blog and boom, suddenly someone knows me! I can't imagine how one person can have secret insight into another unless they've known each other for many years.

And probably if you are arrogant enough to assume that reading this blogger gives you right to believe I am this or that, I probably won't really want much at all to do with you.

I did not write a single word of anything here during the month of February...

I don't know if it is a bad thing or not.
Either I had been holding out emotionally, or I'd been so content that there was nothing to write about.
I doubt latter is the case...

Yet perhaps it is just that I had no time to write anything at all...

It is first day of March and I started typing again because this one song is making me feel the unbelievable amount of whistfulness...perhaps sadness...
I have the song on repeat so I'd fall deeper into this pit of emotions...
It is so ironic that I also happen to be sitting at work.

Why is it that I am incapable of feeling emotions in small doses? I want small amounts of sadness, happiness, ecstasy, joy, depression...

Yet that is not possible for me. When the feeling comes, it comes in floods...it floods all my senses so that I cannot breath, I have no choice but to accept it.